Friday, April 4, 2014

The Art of Listening--a sacrifice of ego

Has this ever happened to you? You bump into an acquaintance. The person is likable. Good heart. Generous. But he or she can’t listen worth a darn. The conversation with your acquaintance involved nothing except your acquaintance talking about him or herself. Even after he or she asked a question of you, and you began to answer, he or she interjected for 10 minutes. You never finished answering the question originally asked.
Ernest Hemingway was correct when he remarked, “I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
There are few spiritual practices more important than listening. Imagine what would have become of the ancient Hebrews had Moses not taken time to listen to the Lord? As the New Testament book of James declares, “You should be quick to listen and slow to speak.”
I’m beginning to think that listening is out of vogue. Rarely does one meet anyone who is keener to listen than speak. As a pastor-theologian, I wonder: If we are not quick to listen to other human beings, can we listen to God?
The 20th century Indian philosopher, Jiddu Krishnamurti, wrote: “When you are listening to somebody completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.”
It’s easy to pretend to listen to someone. You can daydream about fishing or surfing or what you will have for lunch. You can nod your head and, from time to time, say, “Uh-huh,” all the while not paying much attention to the person who is speaking. I know this because I have done it.
I am guilty of not always being the best listener to my wife, son, friends and parishioners. It’s true what Steven Covey wrote in his “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
The lack of listening is, at its heart, a moral issue. A lack of listening implies a degree of selfishness — even a sense of superiority. If I am more ready to reply than to listen, it suggests that what the other person has to say is not as important as what I have to say. This disregard for listening may indicate that I imagine myself superior to the one I am supposed to be listening to. Either way, such behavior is self-centered. Listening, real listening, requires a sacrifice of ego.
The next time you are engaged in a conversation, try to listen more than you speak. Use your ears more than your mouth. Sacrifice your need to speak, because what you have to say is probably no more important than what you ought to be listening to.